Off To The Movies
Going to the movies with my husband is always an adventure. Which is partly why I don’t go out to the movies much. This is also because I prefer to watch movies in the peace and quiet of my own home, on my own couch, minus the sticky seats, sticky floors, enormous hulking man with big hair who always sits in front of me, and ten dollar popcorn. I prefer to be able to pause and get up to pee whenever I feel like it. I like to make my own movie snacks. But lets assume, for the sake of argument, that we are going out to see a movie.
First, we must choose the movie. My husband knows his way around the IMDB website like nobody’s business. Before I married him, I had no idea that the IMDB website even existed, or what it was for. He begins skimming the reviews: “Hey, IMDB gave Murderous Zombie Apocalypse in 3D 7.4 stars!!!” Major enthusism ensues. Just not from me. We then go through the superhero movies: “Hey, Thor Part 3 in 3D is out! Isn’t that awesome?” No, that is not awesome. I was forced to sit through the first Thor movie, and the thought of there being sequels just makes me want to cry. “What about Abraham Lincoln?” Excellent, I think. The one with Daniel Day Lewis? “No, no, Abraham Lincoln the Vampire Hunter!” Of course. We finally compromise on 0-Dark-Thirty, a violent movie (of course) but nominated for an Oscar, which sounds appealing enough for me.
Next is ticket buying time. No, we’re not at the movie yet. We must buy the tickets online, from home. We must secure our seats. Then we must battle the twenty year old printer to print out our barcode to take to the theater. Then my husband decides, why waste the space to bring the WHOLE sheet? He rips the barcode out of the page and sticks it in his wallet.
My husband does not like to arrive at the movies early. He does not even like arriving at the movies ON TIME. He maintains that this is because the theater shows over thirty minutes of previews before the movie even starts. I have to agree with this, but I don’t like walking into theaters late and I kind of like watching the previews. How else would I know what movies are coming out? But despite me prodding, we always leave so that we will be about fifteen minutes late for the movie. This triggers my OCD and I get irritable.
Next, we must drive thirty minutes to get to the movie theater. There are theaters in our town, but they are dingy beyond belief. My daughter and I got stuck in one of them in a fluke downpour, and water began to cascade out of the ceiling tiles at every juncture. The employees must be used to this, because they put garbage cans under all the dozens of leaks. They ran out of garbage cans. Anyway. The theater thirty miles away has stadium seating, and a special seating section for adults over twenty one where you can order drinks, and it is all around just nicer than the ones in our town. So we hop in the car for a session of my husband’s swoopy driving. Before we leave home, he has to pee. I don’t know why he bothers because he will have to go at least three times more before the movie even starts.
When we get to the theater, we have to beg the guy at the desk to give us our tickets, because we should have had the whole page we printed out, and not just the curled up little shred that my husband chose to bring with him. Then he has to pee again. I wait in the lobby. When he gets out, we proceed to turn in our tickets and hunt down our theater. The lights are always out by the time we get there. We find our seats, and oust the squatters who are sitting in them. My husband starts to grumble about all the previews. He pokes me to make sure I’ve muted my phone. He’s the only one who calls me anyway.
Then we watch the previews and he gets all excited about World War Z, a movie ostensibly about a zombie apocalypse, which seems to be all the rage these days, which includes Brad Pitt in shaggy hair, who is some kind of inexplicable ex-Special Forces guy, who apparently has a set of skills more important than anyone else’s in killing zombies. We see another preview, this one called After Earth, which features Will Smith and his son, about their spaceship crash landing on a Level 1 quarantined planet, which turns out to be Earth. He gets excited about this too. Then it’s time to pee again – off he goes, Mr. Walnut Bladder.
The movie starts, with auditory recordings from September 11 emergency calls. The screen is blacked out. The story is told from the perspective of a CIA agent named Maya, who was instrumental in finding and capturing Osama Bin Laden. It really is an amazing movie. The movie is long, but it goes through the fascinating process of finding a ghost like Bin Laden. There are some torture scenes that are pretty intense. At the end, the invasion of the Seal team into the compound is shown, with the end results that we have all heard by now. We left the movie in an intense mood, very impressed, and discuss it all the way home. Of course, peeing was necessary before we left the theater. But that was expected. The movie was a hit. The evening was a success.