Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

Funny Things My Patients Say

My patients do say the funniest things to me.  Since I am an Ob/Gyn, you can imagine that the subject can get a little colorful, and never gets dull.  One told me, “I’m here for my yearly violation.”  Another asked, “Could you at least buy me dinner first?”  One patient, who came for her exam on Valentine’s Day said,  “This is the most action I’ll see all day.”  I walked into an exam room and found a new (young) patient staring out the window.  When I asked her what she was looking at, she said, “I was wondering how much it would hurt if I jumped from here.”  She was that nervous.  I told her it would hurt more than the pap smear that she had come for.  I was checking a patient’s breasts for lumps and she said, “If I had a lump, I’d know because I’d go up a cup size.”  I’ve had multiple patients ask me for notes to take to their husbands stating they could not have sex for medical reasons.  Everyone has a family member with “old-timer’s” (Alzheimer’s) disease.  I’ve had female parts referred to as “cat”, “monkey”, “Miss Lucy Goosy”, “va-J-J”, and one patient told me her vagina was “just plain jacked up”.  I had one pregnant patient describe her promiscuous boyfriend as “the whore of Moulton”.  Someone told me that sex toys were as good as a husband except they didn’t mow the yard.  One described her weight loss as “the divorce diet”.  I was told by one patient that I was going to “see her in the newspaper”, because after she found out she had a sexually transmitted disease she was going to “go home and bury my husband in a shallow ditch with his arm sticking out”.  One patient tied her exam gown robe in a bow around her head because she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do with it.  I had a stock broker patient in the stirrups yelling into her cell phone, “sell, sell, sell!” the entire time I was doing her exam.  She still had on the top half of her power suit.  I have people trying to extricate themselves from phone conversations, yelling “No, grandma, the doctor’s in the room now!”  I had a patient who had wanted a girl ask me if we could “remove the spare part.”  Another one with the wrong sex said she wanted her money back.  I’ve had speculums referred to as “duck bills” and “clamps” and one just plain called it a “G- d- torture device.”  One told me she had decided that pregnancy was a sexually transmitted disease.  Another told me if she didn’t go into labor, she’d hold her breath until she did.  Someone’s baby was “moonwalking on her liver.”  I’ve been requested to remove all manner of inappropriate items, most notable a frozen fish (headfirst) and a wedding ring (not hers).  I’ve also had all kinds of explanations for the objects being there (slipping and falling being the biggest favorites).  That would be an olympic slip with a gymnastic split to pick something up like that, but I don’t haggle over the details.  All in all, it’s a profession that engenders colorful and creative statements, and it certainly keeps me on my toes!

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