Things I Can’t Seem To Do
I can’t back up my minivan worth a damn. The thing is like a damn boat and even with the back-up cam I can’t keep the thing straight. I keep swerving all over the place and nearly running into things. There still are blind spots on the side where I can’t see. There are scrapes up and down the sides of the van where I have dragged along one side of the garage or the other. And forget parallel parking. In fact, forget parking at all. I don’t even like to pull in to a straight-in parking spot because the van is so big I am always too close to one vehicle or the other. It would be easier to say that I just hate the van. I also can’t judge how far to pull in to a parking spot, so a lot of the time, my butt is sticking out into traffic. I feel like one of those fool soccer moms. I have always prided myself on being a good and competent driver, but this van has reduced me to a whimpering fool.
I also can’t find my way anywhere. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I could practically get lost in my own neighborhood. I have this terrible feeling every time I set out to a place that I have only been a few times before, that I will take a wrong turn and be totally lost. I also can’t use a GPS worth a damn. Those stupid things are always dissing me. “Make a u-turn, if possible.” If possible in GPS speak means “you idiot, you missed your turn”. I am always turning at the wrong intersection, or sailing through a stop sign while craning my neck for the turn that is just ahead. I have nearly wrecked any number of times while following the directions of a GPS. And they always sound so damn sarcastic.
I can’t seem to return phone calls. No matter who it is; no matter how much I like the person, returning a phone call just seems too damn hard. I am always afraid that the call will take too long; that I will regret making it. And if I don’t know the person well, I always feel frozen in my tracks. I’m not sure what to say. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m weird. I always get very formal and stilted when I’m talking to someone I don’t really know. I try to be casual and smooth but I always come across the other way. And I am terrible at keeping touch with my friends. I always just let them drift away, and suddenly it’s been years and now I don’t know where to find them or how to call them. I have wasted more friends over the years and now I have very few left. I just get so wrapped up in my own damn miserable life and the time just flies.
I can’t seem to make new friends. I am always too shy to invite a new person that I’ve met out to do something, and no one ever seems to ask me. I must have some kind of “leave me alone” painted across my forehead. Am I too intimidating? Or are they? I always feel like other people have enough friends, that they won’t need another one or they’ll think I’m a fool. I always feel like I’m asking someone out on a date, even if it’s another woman. I think my mom taught me how to act so formal around people, I can’t let down my guard and just be friends.
I can’t stand small talk. In my job, I’m very very good at it. I have to be; I have to keep people occupied in the middle of a very embarassing exam. But after doing it all day, I don’t want to do it anymore once I’ve come home. I just want to be left alone. I know it drives my husband crazy; he’s so outgoing and chats up everyone. It just embarasses me how he does that.
And I can’t can’t can’t ask anyone for help. I was always the one my friends called, wanting to tell me about their problems and ask for advice. When I am lonely or have a problem, I clam up. I keep it all inside of me and don’t want to bother anyone. My mom taught me it’s not good to bother people. So I don’t call my friends and my problems just eat away at me without any help.
I am trying to be better at these things, so help me, I am but it is just so hard. And some things you just have to accept; I finally came to terms with the fact that I really just have no sense of direction, and I never will have one. Some things you just can’t fix.