Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

Things I Can’t Seem To Do

I can’t back up my minivan worth a damn.  The thing is like a damn boat and even with the back-up cam I can’t keep the thing straight.  I keep swerving all over the place and nearly running into things.  There still are blind spots on the side where I can’t see.  There are scrapes up and down the sides of the van where I have dragged along one side of the garage or the other.  And forget parallel parking.  In fact, forget parking at all.  I don’t even like to pull in to a straight-in parking spot because the van is so big I am always too close to one vehicle or the other.  It would be easier to say that I just hate the van.  I also can’t judge how far to pull in to a parking spot, so a lot of the time, my butt is sticking out into traffic.  I feel like one of those fool soccer moms.  I have always prided myself on being a good and competent driver, but this van has reduced me to a whimpering fool.

I also can’t find my way anywhere.  I have absolutely no sense of direction.  I could practically get lost in my own neighborhood.  I have this terrible feeling every time I set out to a place that I have only been a few times before, that I will take a wrong turn and be totally lost.  I also can’t use a GPS worth a damn.  Those stupid things are always dissing me.  “Make a u-turn, if possible.”  If possible in GPS speak means “you idiot, you missed your turn”.  I am always turning at the wrong intersection, or sailing through a stop sign while craning my neck for the turn that is just ahead.  I have nearly wrecked any number of times while following the directions of a GPS.  And they always sound so damn sarcastic.

I can’t seem to return phone calls.  No matter who it is; no matter how much I like the person, returning a phone call just seems too damn hard.  I am always afraid that the call will take too long; that I will regret making it.  And if I don’t know the person well, I always feel frozen in my tracks.  I’m not sure what to say.  I’m afraid they’ll think I’m weird.  I always get very formal and stilted when I’m talking to someone I don’t really know.  I try to be casual and smooth but I always come across the other way.  And I am terrible at keeping touch with my friends.  I always just let them drift away, and suddenly it’s been years and now I don’t know where to find them or how to call them.  I have wasted more friends over the years and now I have very few left.  I just get so wrapped up in my own damn miserable life and the time just flies.

I can’t seem to make new friends.  I am always too shy to invite a new person that I’ve met out to do something, and no one ever seems to ask me.  I must have some kind of “leave me alone” painted across my forehead.  Am I too intimidating?  Or are they?  I always feel like other people have enough friends, that they won’t need another one or they’ll think I’m a fool.  I always feel like I’m asking someone out on a date, even if it’s another woman.  I think my mom taught me how to act so formal around people, I can’t let down my guard and just be friends.

I can’t stand small talk.  In my job, I’m very very good at it.  I have to be; I have to keep people occupied in the middle of a very embarassing exam.  But after doing it all day, I don’t want to do it anymore once I’ve come home.  I just want to be left alone.  I know it drives my husband crazy; he’s so outgoing and chats up everyone.  It just embarasses me how he does that.

And I can’t can’t can’t ask anyone for help.  I was always the one my friends called, wanting to tell me about their problems and ask for advice.  When I am lonely or have a problem, I clam up.  I keep it all inside of me and don’t want to bother anyone.  My mom taught me it’s not good to bother people.  So I don’t call my friends and my problems just eat away at me without any help.

I am trying to be better at these things, so help me, I am but it is just so hard.  And some things you just have to accept; I finally came to terms with the fact that I really just have no sense of direction, and I never will have one.  Some things you just can’t fix.

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