Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

Our House

I would like to know exactly what kind of dirt the previous owners of our house had on the inspectors who cleared the house to sell it to us.  This house has been worse than a moneypit since we bought it.  Anything that can go wrong with the stupid thing has and will continue to.  Ask my husband.  He’ll tell you.  “I hate this house.” 

One of the first things we learned when we moved in is that our house is infested with brown recluse spiders (see the blog, Giant Spiders).  The stupid things were everywhere, in the bathtubs, in the sinks and on the floor.  Our housekeeper told us, “You have brown recluse spiders.”  Of course, I was much too clever and was convinced that I knew EXACTLY what a brown recluse looked like and these weren’t it.  Until, of course, I looked up Google Images, and under Brown Recluse was every damn spider I had ever seen in our house.

We discovered not long after moving in that the roof in the attic leaks.  There were even buckets left in the back corners of the attic, but of course the inspector somehow missed THAT.  That is why I would like to know what kind of a hold the previous owners had on the inspector.  We have now completely reroofed the house twice and put on chimney caps, all to no avail.  The roof still leaks.  Just in different places.

By the second year in our house, we discovered that the upper back porch was sliding off the house.  We had to entirely rebuild it, including new columns, before the whole damn thing just fell off.  We had crews of workmen working on the porch right when I had my baby, and they were constantly coming to the door while I had a baby dangling off my boob, not to mention that the back of the house is almost entirely windows.  I came home one day to discover them lying flat on their backs having a siesta and spitting watermelon seeds in the yard.  Then the front porches tried to rot off and we had to replace them.  All the wood was rotten and we replaced columns and slats with a plastic substitute that looks like real wood, which I hated and found completely tacky, even though you couldn’t really tell.  But it was about our only recourse, since everything on the house rots. 

We had the house repainted and they did a terrible job.  Whoever put the windows in left the caulking around them off, so of course the windows leaked too.  Even the ones that stuck shut or open.  They painted the front door dark green, which looked very pretty, but we discovered that that dark paint attracted the sun and the front of the house got incredibly hot during the day.

We have hired and fired more lawn specialists than I care to try to name.  Last year we had the entire yard resodded and planted, to the tune of about $13,000.  We had to resod the yard because it was fescue, which was the wrong kind of grass for our part-shade yard.  All the grass had completely died off on the shaded side of the house.  We put in new grass and bushes, and of course that summer there was a terrible drought.  Then they put in rosebushes (even they were supposed to be the “easier” knock-out roses) and the front ones grew huge and blocked the sprinklers, which caused the rest of the plants to be dry and knocked all the leaves off the roses with a fungus that gets worse when the leaves are wet.  (see Deadheading blog).

The entire house has settled so many times, we never know which doors will be in working order.  Some doors we can’t open even with a key, because they have settled so heavily in their frames that the bolt is jammed in the lock.  The doors that don’t work rotate from time to time, so we never know what doors we can use.  Right now it is impossible to lock the mudroom door because the door has sagged down too far.  I use that lock to remind me to turn the house alarm off before I open the door, and now I’m always forgetting and setting the damn alarm off.

The garage leaks.  Water pours underneath the doors when it rains.  The drainage in our backyard is also blocked, and has gotten worse since they built a new house next door, so now the water backs up in the back corner of the yard and makes a swamp.

Carpenter bees have invaded our front porch and our daughter’s wooden swing set.  They menace her when she tries to play on it, so she doesn’t play on it any more.  We also have a wasp nest hanging on our front porch, and one inside our grill, so we haven’t cooked out all summer.

The real capper was the night that the upper part of the house settled so much that a huge plate glass window shattered.  My husband and I were minding our own business watching Netflix and there was a noise like a rifle shot.  We looked, and the third floor window had cracked INWARD from the weight of the settling house.  So now we have that boarded up and it looks just beautiful.

We had termites in the garage and inside the sun room chimney.  Did the inspector notice that?  Nooo.  We had to have the chimney entirely torn down and rebuilt and all the inner wood taken off the inside of garage.  Now we have termite spikes all over the place and are waiting for the next outbreak to happen. 

The house was only seven years old when we bought it, and in short, has been the house from hell.  It is an incredibly beautiful house, so it is a terrible shame, but we are going to go broke if we have to fix anymore things.  No wonder my husband stomps around saying, “I HATE this house!!!”  I loved it when we bought it, but now I pretty much hate it too.


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