Things Your Ob/Gyn Never Tells You
1. We don’t care if you didn’t shave your legs. We don’t even notice that you didn’t shave your legs, unless you apologize to us for not shaving them, which we think is really funny. With all the weird things we see, you would pretty much have to have live hedgehogs growing in your nether regions to get our attention.
2. You can prevent razor rash from shaving your nether parts by applying deodorant stick to the shaved areas immediately after you are done shaving. Why do you think you never get razor rash under your arms?
3. It’s your feet that stink. The things that really get to your Ob/Gyn are stinky feet. Nothing else is that bad. Please don’t wear leather shoes without socks. That smell can clear a room for an hour.
4. If you scrub at your bottom with toilet paper prior to your appointment in an attempt to thoroughly clean the area, the toilet paper rolls up into little balls that stick to your crotch that you can’t see. But we can. And it looks funny. And we have to try not to poke the little toilet paper balls up into your cootchie when we put the speculum in because we don’t want to embarass you by telling you they are there.
5. We are really not being evil and nosy when we ask you questions about your sex life. We really need to know if you are heterosexual or homosexual, because that changes areas of care that we need to address. We need to know how many partners you have had because if you exceed a certain number, you are a high risk patient and your insurance company will be more likely to cover your exams and tests when we bill them.
6. We know how that object got stuck up in there. We do not judge. However, please do not LIE to us and tell us that you fell on the squash from your living room stairs. We know when you are lying to us, and we don’t like that. It doesn’t improve the doctor/patient relationship. And it makes it more likely that the squash scenario becomes a funny story, if we are lied to.
7. You can get that stuck tampon out on your own. They really cannot go far. You can reach them and get them out without difficulty. They will not disappear up inside of you. And if you can’t get it out, please don’t wait DAYS before you call us to help you. Those things stink SO BAD we have to close that exam room for the rest of the day.
7. It really doesn’t matter if you wipe from front to back or from back to front. Studies have shown this. Cranberry juice really does help though, if you are getting a bladder infection.
8. Hemorrhoids are really just varicose veins around your rectum. No need to be embarassed about that.
9. No matter how weird and embarassing it sounds to you, we have heard weirder. Just take a deep breath and tell us the truth and we will help you to the best of our ability. We fuss more about being lied to than being told the truth.
10. Cleaning products such as lysol, listerine, etc, have no place in your cootchie. Do not put them there. You will burn up and have to come see us. Also, strong deodorant soaps such as Lever or Dial will burn you up. You should use unscented Dove or Oil of Olay for your nether regions. Washing too many times a day will mess you up. More is not necessarily better. That part of your body was not meant to take that kind of abuse.
11. It does not count as infertility if your husband is out on an oil rig somewhere or deployed overseas. There is a definite reason you are not getting pregnant. If you do get pregnant, we will wonder how that happened.
12. Pregnancy is a sexually transmitted disease. If you “caught” a pregnancy, don’t be surprised if you caught other things too.
13. Just because they fathered your child, live in your house, fight with your family and sometimes show up for doctor’s visits does NOT make them your fiance. Just discussing marriage does not make them your fiance. A RING and a DATE make them your fiance. Otherwise, the word is woefully overused and we are unimpressed.
14. Getting married after you find out you are pregnant is like closing the barn door after you find out the horse is gone. Getting married in a maternity dress looks really silly.
15. Please don’t set your baby shower for the week of your due date. You will go into labor early and you will miss it. Then for some reason, you will be upset with us.
16. There is no reason to become pregnant if you don’t want to. Either talk to us or the health department. We don’t want you to have a baby if you can’t afford it. We will give you the birth control, free if we have to.
17. Hysterectomies are not hereditary, as one patient asked me. They do not run in families. Just because your mother had one, and your sister had one, does not mean that you need one. That does not constitute a diagnosis that your insurance company will cover.
18. There is really no reason to bring your husband, your boyfriend or your giggling best friend to your appointment, unless you have an unholy phobia of visits to the Ob/Gyn. Even so, their presence may not help much. Our nurse usually makes a better companion.
19. Please don’t bring your small children if you are having a vaginal exam. It is very distracting and disturbing to have a small child hovering “down there” asking questions like, “It hurt, Mommy?” or “What is that?” or “It tickles?” How can you consider exposing a little kid to something like that? They will be in therapy for years. And maybe so will I.
20. When the nurse tells you to put on the gown so that it opens in the front, put it on so it opens in the front. There is no excuse for not paying attention to simple instructions. Did you ever try to examine someone’s breasts through a gown that they are lying on that opens in the back? Seriously. Follow your instructions.