Things I Have Wanted To Say To Telemarketers
1. What? Really? I donated money to you before? I must have been drunk.
2. No, I don’t want to donate money to your school. I paid six thousand dollars a year to go there. Don’t you think that’s enough?
3. The last time I donated to you I didn’t get any of the little gifties in the mail that you promised me. No gifties, no monies.
4. (Hands phone to three year old) Here honey, it’s Santa Claus!
5. No, Mrs Beadstork isn’t here. This is just his mistress. How may I help you?
6. Wouldn’t you like to get a job where people actually WANT to hear from you?
7. I’d love to talk to you but my husband and I are busy having sex.
8. I’d love to let you talk to him but he died.
9. I wouldn’t donate money to you if you were the last telemarketer on earth. (Then flush toilet)
10. Hey! Why don’t you donate some money to me? My husband and I are in a rough patch right now. Can I put you down for, oh, say, a thousand?