Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

The Iguana In The Toilet

My daughter asked me to tell this story to someone yesterday.  I had forgotten all about it.  While still single, and living in Atlanta, I had a pet iguana I had had for ten years.  I had a three bedroom apartment, and he lived in the spare bathroom.  I kept his water bowl in the sink, and his heating pad and food bowl on the counter.  I left the toilet open just in case he got lost and needed something to drink.

I came home from work one day and went into the bathroom to check on the iguana.  He was gone!  I looked all around the bathroom, but there was no sign of him.  Then I happened to notice that the toilet was closed, which was not how I left it.  I looked a little closer, and the shag toilet cover had strings coming out of it, and big torn up loops.  I opened the toilet and…

Let’s just say the iguana climbed into the toilet, and then grabbed the toilet seat lid to pull himself out.  When that happened, his claws hooked in the shag and he pulled the toilet seat closed on top of him.  His claws were then hooked through the shag as he was hanging upside down on the inside of the toilet lid.  So he panicked and began to rip with his claws to try to get loose.  Instead, he ripped more and more loops off the toilet seat cover and they wrapped around him, over and over again, until his front legs were pulled out to the side of him and his hind legs were stuck in the loops too. 

When I raised the toilet seat lid, up came the iguana.  He was tied to the underside of the toilet seat, with loop after loop of the destroyed toilet seat cover wrapped around him.  He looked like a mummified, crucified iguana.  He gave me a look of sheer horror.  He was not longer trying to struggle (or maybe he just couldn’t).  I had to run for the scissors and cut loop after loop to set him free.  As soon as he could get loose, he streaked across the bathroom to get away from that toilet.  He was very fortunate that he had not hit his head, or pinched a foot under the seat, or pulled so hard against the loops of toilet seat that he cut himself.  He was all in one piece!  Only his dignity was impaired.  So he survived the Toilet Seat Incident, as it came to be known, and lived to a ripe old age.


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4 thoughts on “The Iguana In The Toilet

  1. Le Clown on said:

    At least the iguana survived. We had a frog escape one of our vivariums one time. She was mauled by one of our cats, lost a leg, and ended up with a few skin lacerations. But survived. A year later, she died, though. But it wasn’t because of the evil cat, but because of an alien abduction.
    Le Clown
    PS: I’m really happy for the iguana.

    • Yes, alien abductions are frequently cited as cause for events in our house. I once had a patient blame alien abduction for her pregnancy. She said it was the probe.

      • Le Clown on said:

        These damn probes. Pleasurable, but so damn fertile.
        Le Clown

      • The funny part was, the girl announced her alien abduction just moments after she told me, her mother, and the baby daddy that she would like a paternity test to establish the true father of the baby.

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