Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

Halloween Tricks

My mom and I were contemplating my daughter’s Halloween candy, which is scattered all over the foyer rug, when she said, “My dentist hates Halloween.”

“Oh,” I said.  “I guess it is bad for kids’ teeth.”

“No,” she said, “It’s not that at all.”

“Oh?” I said.

“He says it’s the parents,” she said, beginning to smile.

“The parents?” I said.  “What do the parents have to do with it?”

“Well,” she said.  “He says it starts a week or two before Halloween.”

“Before Halloween?” I asked.  “What starts before Halloween?”

“He says the parents get into the candy the week before Halloween.  They eat the chocolate and the caramel and they all come in with their crowns pulled off.”

“Crowns pulled off?  Really?” I said

“Yes,” she said, beginning to chuckle.  “And then the week AFTER Halloween comes.”‘

“What happens then?” I asked.

“Oh then,” she said.  “The parents have taken away the candy because the kids have eaten too much.  But the parents start picking through their kids’ candy and start eating stuff they like, which usually involves caramel.  And then they come in with their crowns pulled off again.  And then there’s the week after that.”

“The week after that?” I asked.  “What could possibly happen the week after that?”

“Well,” she said.  “By that time, the good stuff is all gone.  They’re left with the hard candies that they don’t really like, but they aren’t going to let them go to waste.  So they bite into them and they break off their teeth.  So he hates Halloween.  He says it’s the same thing every year.”  She laughed, and laughed, and so did I and tears rolled down her face like they do when she has a really good laugh. 

“Poor Dr. Kilpatrick,” I said.

“Yes, poor doctor,” she agreed.


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