I Want A Fresh Pressing!
Now as a blogger I have a new obsession. First, I obsessed about what I was going to write. Then, I obsessed over how much of my true self I dared reveal in my blog. Then, I obsessed over Views and Likes and Subscribers and Comments (OK, I’m still obsessing about those.) I obsessed over blogging awards. (YES! I finally got one!) But now: I want to be Freshly Pressed! Oooooh, I want it soooo bad. Think of all the traffic! The comments! The massive self-validation! It’s gotten so bad, I stalk the other authors in the Weekly Writing and Weekly Photography Challenges, thinking, “MINE is better than that! Mine is better than that!” And then “Ooooh, you bitch!” when I find one that’s better than mine. The other day I wrote what I thought was a very good blog about life changing in an instant, and then, and THEN, I find this blogger that describes their life changing event as the day that they discovered that albino Africans are having body parts removed to create magic potions and that families are selling their albino children’s body parts. And I thought, “Really! Albino Africans? Of COURSE they’ll Freshly Press that! That’s just too weird and meaningful-ly for them to pass up! Rat bastard!” So I am now officially obsessed and am in search of some albino Africans (or other bizarre and arcane cause) to espouse so that I may too be Freshly Pressed! How about Aardvark Phobia? Or People Who Live In Trees? Or start a benefit for roosters in cock-fighting rings? Just Freshly Press me! Pleeeease! Pretty please? I’ll come up with something exotic and memorable and haunting! Cats Who Commit Suicide? Yes! I’ll be Freshly Pressed! I’ll make sure and include a photo that makes no sense, for use in the Fresh Press header!
Arrrrgh! This week’s Fresh Pressed came out for the DPchallenge, and my tragic but true story was not featured! I returned hopelessly to the scene of the Fresh Pressed crime in hopes I had missed the email notifying me of my triumphant debut. I did not. However, I was pleased to see that the cannabalized albinos did not make it either! And ah-ha! I have found the perfect picture of me on webcam displaying my bewilderment at my non-Freshly-Pressed-ness! That is certain to win over the editors!
So unless you editor-type-folk want me to be a loon cyber stalker, I’m begging you! Have a heart! I need a good Fresh Pressing! Just Press me and I’ll iron right out I swear. I’ll be the freshest-pressest-sparkliest hottest shining star in the sky! And I can call my mom, and my dad, and my husband…