Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

Daily Prompt: Oasis

Today’s daily prompt asks that we write about an oasis where we go to get away from it all when everything else is too much.  I will say that there is no such place.  I live a life where I go from work to my daughter’s school to home to work to my daughter’s school to home, with no stops for fun on the side.  My husband and I spend some time together in the evenings watching shows on Netflix, but even that is scarcely an oasis.

If I have to describe a place I go to get away from it all, I must say that I go to sleep.  Whenever I feel myself beginning to feel discouraged and overwhelmed (which is most of the time), if I don’t have any other pressing obligations, such as daughter’s homework or some task my husband has given me, I head straight for the bed and crawl under the covers.  If I can manage to fall asleep so deeply that I have forgotten who and where I am, then the sleep has done its job.  The down side is that I must wake up.   When I wake up, my job and my life come crashing down on me so solidly that it was hardly worth going to sleep.  I remember the job that I hate, the fact that I have no friends, the crushing routine from work to school to home, and I just want to cry.  I am too tired to cry.  For some reason, the tears never come.  I just get up and soldier on and march from place to place to place.  If I am lucky, it is evening and it will be time for me to go back to sleep soon.

Last night I didn’t even have the sanctity of my sleep oasis because I slept so poorly.  I am on a new diet, and I felt queasy and could not get comfortable.  My husband was also sleeping poorly, so he was tossing and turning in the bed and at one point resorted to playing a CD that is supposed to be self-hypnosis to aid an insomniac to go back to sleep.  Self-hypnosis my ass.  The only thing that CD does for me is annoy me so badly it keeps me awake.  I almost moved to the other bedroom, but I was too tired to get up.  Also, my phone rang about eleven o’clock last night regarding a patient I had in the hospital, which I had to answer, and which woke me right back up.  And that wasn’t even one of my call nights.

So my “oasis” is shaky at best.  It is a house of cards that can tumble down on me on any given night.  And if I’m on call, there’s a very real chance that my sleep will be interrupted by phone calls all night long.  I may even have to get up and go do a delivery or a surgery.  Those nights I just write off as awful, and again I want to cry because of the reality of my existence and my stressful job.  But I don’t cry.  I just get up and go in and do my work.  And then I am exhausted the next day, but I have to get up and go into work anyway. 

So “oasis” is a joke.  An oasis is for other people.  Other people have friends they can go see, or they can have a drink (I don’t drink any more), or they can go shopping (I’m not allowed to shop any more) or they can go into a nearby town and see a show or go out to eat (I am tethered to work and family and my call schedule, and I’m on a diet, so going out is not really all that much fun any more).  And I can go out alone or I can go out with the husband and daughter.  That’s pretty much it.  We do that occasionally, and when we do, that is fun.  But most shows or clubs I want to attend either seem to happen during the day when I must work, or on a call day when I cannot get any farther away from the hospital than thirty minutes.  Everything interesting happens in a town that is at least forty-five minutes away.

My town where I live is devoid of entertainment.  Everyone is a cookie cutter of everyone else, and they are not me.  I don’t have any friends because people either find me strange or I find them judgmental and boring.  There are people I am friendly with, but that is not the same as being friends.  I love jewelry making but the nearest group is an hour away.  I love photography but there is no group here.  I would like to exercise by taking yoga or some other classes, but all the classes are during the day for the Ladies Who Lunch and I have a job.

If it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I do.  I know that I have many things that others would love to have; a stable job, a loving family, a home that I can pay for.  But I am lonely and busy, and we all know that our problems seem more magnified to us than they would to others.  I do not like my job; it is like a living hell that I must get up and face each day, for reasons I cannot go into here.  I am seriously considering changing my job, and that may be the thing that truly brings me out of my funk.  I can only hope that that will be so.  Until then, I am a dead woman walking, and the oasis is just out of reach.


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4 thoughts on “Daily Prompt: Oasis

  1. Oh no, oh no, this will not do. This is your oasis. You have friends out here in the ether, people who see the real you and like it very much. And as you know, wanting a change is the first step to believing in it, which is necessary to make it happen. If you made it through residency, you can make it out the hospital door.

    Here’s a thought. Why not try acupuncture? It’s become my oasis and, though you may be skeptical, it does work for everything from golfer’s elbow to sleeplessness to despair. I am living proof. Sure it’s unpleasant when the needles go in, but then you close your eyes and drift off to a quiet nirvana for half an hour and emerge feeling refreshed and grounded. Really.

    • With luck I will make it out. I am applying for a doc temp job that will hopefully have me working no more than 2 weeks a month and I won’t have to put up with the hospital merger crap that’s going on here. I’ve been filling out applications, so hopefully someone will give me a new job!

  2. Praying for you right now that God will direct you to an oasis. Everyone needs a place they can lay down their burdens and their busy life and find peace and hope and rest.
    Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

    Praying for blessings for you!

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