Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

More Mandates From Your Ob/Gyn

1.  Pregnancy is not a disease.  Don’t expect me to take you off work just because your back and your legs hurt.  Grow a set.

2.  I don’t do ears.  Don’t ask me to look in them.

3.  Don’t make balloon animals out of my gloves for your kids.  They pop and can choke your little one.

4.  Don’t be clowning around when I get in there to see you.  Get off your cell phone, get off your boyfriend, and keep your paws out of my supply drawers.

5.  Don’t come in if you have the flu, or if you even think you have the flu.  I don’t want it.  And pregnant women can die of it.

6.  Get your flu shot.  Even if you’re pregnant.  ESPECIALLY if you’re pregnant.  See #5 above.

7.  Don’t act surprised if I ask to examine you.  Seriously, if you went to the dentist, wouldn’t you expect him to examine your teeth?

8.  Don’t get mad if I have to go deliver a baby.  Your time to screw up my clinic and have your baby in the middle of it is coming soon.

9.  Follow instructions.  If I tell you how to leave the office, you’re done.  I don’t want to find you half an hour later sitting in there looking dopey.

10. Don’t apologize for sweating and turning the gown into paper mache.  Fortunately, we only use them once.  It’s not a problem.

11. Bring us a baby picture already.  Not one in your phone.  I want one I can put on the bulletin board.

12. I don’t wear white coats because they cause your blood pressure to go up, frighten children and carry germs.

13.  Yes, these are comfortable shoes.

14. If you are pregnant and you have sex, you are going to bleed.  Stop ruining MY sex life by calling me about it in the middle of the night.

15. I know you are smoking pot while you are pregnant.  Not just because it shows up on the drug screen.  But because all my patients are.

16. Don’t be rude to my nurse and then suck up to me.  You think I don’t hear about it?

17. This is not a hotel.  The kleenex, baby wipes, q-tips etcetera are not included benefits for you to take home.  And stop taking the key to the toilet paper dispenser.  What do you need it for anyway?

18. If you show up with a sexually transmitted disease, you caught it from someone.  But you didn’t catch it from me, so I don’t need your attitude. 

19. If you have meth in your urine, you are damn straight we are calling Child Support Services.

20. If your baby has a poopy diaper, please change it.  The smell in these little rooms is unbearable.


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16 thoughts on “More Mandates From Your Ob/Gyn

  1. Though I became more terrified at each point, I was thrilled to reach the end secure in the knowledge I never transgressed even once during the ten years (or did it only seem that long?) of my pregnancy. Reading this was like being on a game show and winning BIG.

  2. It’s a shame I’m reading this. Now I know all this and can never use it.

  3. Wow…sad that this list even needed saying! Much of it is common sense.

  4. I have to confess, I play with the “stuff” in the exam rooms, subject to your #4. However, its not out of disrespect (I never take anything neither do I touch what should be sterile) but really, my thought is this: I made the appointment, I arrived on time was called in an hour after the appointment time and then left to my own devices in a freezing room with a paper thin Kleenex sized pretend robe for 45 minutes. I begin to wonder if I have been forgotten sometimes. If I was able to keep my clothes on I will open the door and stand in the doorway looking up and down the hallway to see if my presence will surprise anyone. I don’t interrupt a doctor or nurse or whoever though because that’s pushing it.

    In a room by myself with stuff to fiddle with? Please…. lol!!!! I can’t help it. I factor in the emergencies and some patients talking volumes and think its ok because then it will be my turn. And I just love gadgets! You get much cooler gadgets to play with then the rest of us do!

    I’m not pregnant though and can barely remember those days when I was…like 29 and 27 years ago respectively. I know my experience was entirely different as it was provided by military OB/GYNs that I had to see as a lowly enlisted man’s wife. I don’t think there was exam ROOMS per se, more like an area with nothing interesting to play with while waiting.

    • We don’t have any cool toys. Just plastic speculums in 3 different sizes and pap brushes. OK, and q-tips. I guess you could construct a festive sculpture! I know what you mean about feeling forgotten – they don’t treat doctors any differently when it is our turn to see the doctor.

      • Come on! No tongue depressors even? Don’t knock construction until you try it! I stack stuff when I’m bored. I sit at a bar and start grabbing coasters, glasses, straws, packs of cigarettes, etc. I stack ’em up. To see how far I can go! My own version of reversed jinga maybe? I could do a LOT with tongue depressors!

      • Hee hee. We don’t use a lot of tongue depressors on “our end” of things. When was the last time your Gyn asked you to say “Ahhhhh”?

      • Well…you have a point there!

  5. Pingback: Pour Some Sugar On Me…. « theinnerwildkat

  6. enjoyed this list…i’m laughing out loud at some. my youngest is eight, but i remember those days and feeling the same way about a poopy diaper! 🙂

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