More Mandates From Your Ob/Gyn
1. Pregnancy is not a disease. Don’t expect me to take you off work just because your back and your legs hurt. Grow a set.
2. I don’t do ears. Don’t ask me to look in them.
3. Don’t make balloon animals out of my gloves for your kids. They pop and can choke your little one.
4. Don’t be clowning around when I get in there to see you. Get off your cell phone, get off your boyfriend, and keep your paws out of my supply drawers.
5. Don’t come in if you have the flu, or if you even think you have the flu. I don’t want it. And pregnant women can die of it.
6. Get your flu shot. Even if you’re pregnant. ESPECIALLY if you’re pregnant. See #5 above.
7. Don’t act surprised if I ask to examine you. Seriously, if you went to the dentist, wouldn’t you expect him to examine your teeth?
8. Don’t get mad if I have to go deliver a baby. Your time to screw up my clinic and have your baby in the middle of it is coming soon.
9. Follow instructions. If I tell you how to leave the office, you’re done. I don’t want to find you half an hour later sitting in there looking dopey.
10. Don’t apologize for sweating and turning the gown into paper mache. Fortunately, we only use them once. It’s not a problem.
11. Bring us a baby picture already. Not one in your phone. I want one I can put on the bulletin board.
12. I don’t wear white coats because they cause your blood pressure to go up, frighten children and carry germs.
13. Yes, these are comfortable shoes.
14. If you are pregnant and you have sex, you are going to bleed. Stop ruining MY sex life by calling me about it in the middle of the night.
15. I know you are smoking pot while you are pregnant. Not just because it shows up on the drug screen. But because all my patients are.
16. Don’t be rude to my nurse and then suck up to me. You think I don’t hear about it?
17. This is not a hotel. The kleenex, baby wipes, q-tips etcetera are not included benefits for you to take home. And stop taking the key to the toilet paper dispenser. What do you need it for anyway?
18. If you show up with a sexually transmitted disease, you caught it from someone. But you didn’t catch it from me, so I don’t need your attitude.
19. If you have meth in your urine, you are damn straight we are calling Child Support Services.
20. If your baby has a poopy diaper, please change it. The smell in these little rooms is unbearable.