Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

The Great White North

This blog entry will be Epic Fail after yesterday’s compelling look into the world of vaginas. Sometimes I outdo myself. Other days, I just sit and stare at this blank New Post page as if it will write itself. I think about all the funny things that everyone else has written and I get, just, well, stumped. You can’t force funny. You can’t fake it either.

What I am thinking about is how much I am looking forward to my work travel to North Dakota. In a way, I am freaking horrified because I was raised in the South and except for a few memorable winter trips to Nebraska, Land of the Parents, and a couple of frigid skiing trips to Montreal, I am pretty much inexperienced in The Land of the Ridiculously Freezing Cold. I learned how to drive on ice and snow once, and did it a couple of times, but really, I’m petrified. I’m going to be driving a rental car when I get up there -and – do rental cars come with snow chains in the Big Bad North in the winter? What if I’m in a hotel right next door to the hospital and I can’t even get over there to deliver a baby because there is a huge fucking blizzard?

I have a bunch of what-ifs about the Big Snow Thing. What if I get to the airport and I get lost in the snow? What if there aren’t snow chains? What if I spin off the road and right into a ditch and am not found until spring? What if I get lost in the wilds of North Dakota? You see, I come from the land of Alabama, the Land of 47 Degrees Every Day All Winter Except For a Couple of Cold Snaps in the Twenties That Make Us Cry. It only snows maybe once a year for Pete’s sake. And it seldom sticks. So what do I do? Seriously, what if I can’t make it over to the hospital and the baby delivers without me, while I am floundering around in a ditch?

But there are some things I’m seriously looking forward to. One of them is, well, the snow. I am bringing my camera and plan on taking lots of snow pictures. Isn’t everything more beautiful with snow? My daughter wants to come up and visit me while I am working just so she can play in the snow. Another thing I am looking forward to is hearing the accents of people who live in North Dakota, which are freaking hilarious to me. I am also enjoying the idea of working my SOUTHERN accent. It will just crack people up. They will ask me questions just to hear me say the answer. I can hit them with all my pithy Southern witicisms (and believe me, there are PLENTY). We will enjoy each other’s accents immensely.

Mom said there might be an Indian reservation nearby. Ehem, excuse me. NATIVE AMERICANS. How cool would it be to have some as patients? It has been years since I have been around any Native Americans. We had a pretty big Native American patient population when I was a resident in southern Lousiana – down in Houma were the Houma Indians and they were pretty fascinating. They were neat people. Very nice. And very sheltered. They seldom left their part of the bayou.

The most I know about North Dakota is watching the movie Fargo. Which is a scary thing. If that movie is to be believed, my life will be full of pregnant police officers who say, “Oh, Yah” all the time and scary kidnapping axe murderers who put people in wood chippers. I must watch that movie again so I know what to expect. I especially must inspect the snow. And whether or not there are snow chains.

But seriously. There is the matter of CLOTHING. I do have a pretty long down parka but it doesn’t have a hood. I have some Thinsulate-lined snow boots, but I can’t wear them in the hospital. Will I have to carry my work shoes in with me? I’m not sure where my ski stuff is. I am, however, CERTAIN that I have gotten too fat to wear any of my thermal underwear. Ehem. And I’m not about to buy new ones in fat sizes. Scrubs just don’t provide a whole lot of protection against the cold. Even with a down parka and Thinsulate boots and a tuc and a scarf and a HAT. I do have a lot of knit hats. Wait. I saw winter hats with ear flaps at TJ Maxx. They were there as (useless?) Christmas gifts – since what do we need ear flaps for around here? All those hats are so BAD for my hair though. I have really fine hair and it gets all smushed and staticky. But I’m afraid I’m stuck with hats in North Dakota. Because one thing I hate is being COLD. (Another thing I hate is that the Italics key seems to be missing from my New Post template now and I am forced to use all caps for emphasis).

So I am at once looking forward to my Travel Doc adventure and am terrified. I’m sure people will laugh at me, afraid of a little snow. Actually, I’m afraid of a LOT of snow. Really hope I don’t get stuck in a blizzard. I guess if I hear there’s going to be one I’ll go on over to the hospital and stay in the call room. That way I won’t get snowed out. If anyone out there is from the Great White North, maybe they can give me a shout with some recommendations for a) clothes and b) driving. Anyone? I’ll be the one in the scrubs and the ear flaps.

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