Standardized, Bastardized, Smothered, Covered And Chunked
I spent all day filling out a standardized application online for a state medical licensure. All day. It went something like this:
1a. Ha! Not that name, you sucker! Now list all the other names you use: the one you robbed that bank with a couple years ago, your ex-husband’s last name that you didn’t take… By the way, why DIDN’T you take his name, you deviant? Attach extra paper to explain here.
2a. Is that really your address? Why do you live in such a shithole? Attach extra paper to explain here.
3. Where did you go to medical school?
3a. Because we know you don’t remember,, we want the actual day of the week you started there, the street address, since you haven’t been there in over 20 years and haven’t the foggiest, and oh, we want their fax number too. Even though faxes weren’t even invented when you went there.
4. Where did you do your internship? Your residency? Never mind that they are usually both done at the same institution; we want you to fill out all the same information twice.
4a. What years did you go there? If you were ever absent for more than three days during your entire residency, attach extra sheet to explain why you are so self centered that you thought you deserved a 2 week trip to Vail. Because seriously, you should have been working. Explain yourself.
5. List everywhere you’ve worked since medical school. We want exact dates, addresses, contact names (even though they bulldozed one of the hospitals you worked at – we want to be able to contact them at the Home Depot they built over it), email addresses, and, oh, if there is more than a month gap between any work engagement, attach extra sheet to explain here. Vacation is not a real reason. What were you really up to, what sinister antisocial behaviors were you engaged in that kept you from work?
5a. Seriously, why weren’t you working that September in 1990? You know we don’t believe you. Enter your lame excuse and have it notarized. In triplicate. Send one copy to our office, one copy to your recruiter’s office, and one to the local paper so we can all laugh at you. Send it Fedex Overnight. On your bill.
6. Enter all licensing exams you’ve ever taken, the exact dates, the exact scores, and whether or not you cried when you left the testing room. If you ever failed anything, explain yourself. Attach extra sheets if necessary, but don’t make the ink all runny with your sniveling. Entries with sniveling runny ink will be returned, and you will have no opportunity to redeem yourself.
7. Have you ever: Pooped twice in one day? Been laughed at for being too fat? Been late paying a phone bill? Forgotten to brush your teeth? Made an illegal u-turn? Withdrawn your hospital priveleges (even though it was just because you moved and there wasn’t a damn thing sinister about it)? Been sued by some asshole? Hung up on a telemarketer? Missed church? If any yes answers, tough noogies, attach extra sheet for each question and waste the rest of your day explaining yourself. And don’t think we won’t check up on you.
8. List all states in which you have ever had a medical license. If you forget any, you are screwed, discredited, and we will hound you until you die. Now what were those exact dates again? Better not be a day off, or we will know you are lying.
9. Attach triplicate copies of: your state medical license, your DEA number, your residency certificate, your board certification and your med school diploma. Never mind that they are indelibly framed and sitting in your garage and you are somewhere in North Dakota. There’s no excuse for not having them copied.
10. Attach notarized originals of your birth certificate and your passport. We need them for our files. We will not return them. What? That’s your problem. Go out to the hospital you were born at 45 years ago and get them to give you a new copy. We’re keeping these.
11. Have you ever been diagnosed with sadness? Feelings of hopelessness? Inadequacy? Stress? Depressionbipolardisordermentalillnessobsessivecompulsivedisorderdissociativeidentitydisordermaniaanxiety? If so, attach notarized letter from your doctor and explain yourself, you piece of shit. Why would we let you work for us if you’re damaged? And don’t lie. We have friends at your insurance office.
12. Have you ever commited a felony? No? Feeling smug? What about a misdemeanor then? Parking tickets? Jaywalking? ATTACH EXTRA SHEETS AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU DESERVE TO LIVE.
13. What is your address in the state you’re applying for? We know you don’t live there yet. We don’t care. Fill in the address, or the app will be stuck on this page for the rest of the day. And you’d better not be making stuff up. We know where you don’t live.
14. OH, SORRY. YOU LET THE APP TIME OUT WHILE GROVELING ON THE FLOOR FOR YOUR MISSING BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Go back to Go. Do not collect $200. In fact, you owe us $200, one for each copy of the application. And you must fill everything out again, because our IT people suck so bad at building cheap websites, they don’t let you save as you go.
15. Welcome back. What was your name again? I’m sorry. That password is incorrect. You should have changed it the last time you logged in.
16. I’m sorry. The number you’ve reached has been disconnected. Actually, it was never connected. Sucker.