Mommies Don’t Need Showers
The same scene plays itself out at my house every morning. I tell my daughter, “I’m going to take my shower, honey.”. She mumbles “Mmmmh hmmmmm.”
I turn on the shower, get the temperature perfectly adjusted, and get in. Mmmm. Nice hot shower. Peace and quiet.
Then I hear it: “Mommeeeee!”. It always sounds urgent, so urgent that I am always suckered in. She sounds somewhat frantic, like she may have cut herself or broken something.
I pull the shower curtain back so I can hear her, since the situation is obviously so dire, and call, What, honey?”. Of course all my nice warm steam is instantly gone and the cold rushes in. “MommEEEEEEE! Where ARE you?!?!”
Well, this is infuriating on multiple counts. I told her I would be in the shower, explicitly so she would know where I was, so she would not come screaming around the damn house looking for me. So did she just totally ignore me, or is she playing dumb, because she can’t bear for me to have a moment of peace when I am in the shower? AND, the water is running in the shower, so it should be damn obvious where the hell I am.
” I TOLD you, I am IN the SHOWER!”
“I can’t HEAR you, the water is running!”
Closer now: “MommEEEE! Mumble mumble mumble ”
Pull back the shower curtain, cold air rushes in again. “WHAT?!?!”
” Mommeeee, are you dressed?”. She is not allowed to come in until I am dressed.
“Honey! Would the water in the shower still be running if I were dressed???”
” Oh. No. Can I come in anyway?”
” ND! I’M NOT DRESSED!”
“But I need …” (insert pointless nonessential thing here).
A pause. Will I finally get to finish my shower in peace? Now: whining and scratching. Our daughter desperately wants a puppy, which she has been told she cannot have. She launches into puppy mode, whimpering and wagging, and carrying balls in her mouth to fetch. More scratching and whimpering at the door. The “puppy” has arrived. She almost certainly has a ball in her mouth. Patience is wearing thin.
“But Mommeeee! I’m a PUPPY!”. Are you dressed yet?? Can I come in? I PROMISE I won’t look!”
” No! That’s not the point!”
What the hell does she want? Why can she not STAND for me to take a shower in peace? Does she want to check and see if I am still a girl? Is she jealous of any moment of time I have to myself? Is she so lacking inner resources that she cannot tolerate even a few minutes alone? Why must I be tormented every single time I take a shower? By the time I am out I just want to choke her like a chicken.
I finally let her in. Now she stands on the side of the tub, staring at me while I put on my makeup. “What’s that?? Can I have some blush? Is that a pimple? Why does your hair look so funny?”
Am I too impatient, too intolerant? Or is this behavior specifically designed to push all my buttons? She is eight years old. Isn’t she too old for this bullshit? Or does it just never end? God, I hope it ends.