Things My Patients Say To Me
Since I recently prepared a list of things that my patients’ men say to me, I guess it’s only fair that I do one for the women too. Notice that I have taken particular care not to violate anyone’s privacy – their identity cannot be guessed by what I’ve written here. Therefore, here they are. The cringeworthy, the funny, the not-so funny, and the sad, all rolled into one big list.
1. This is gonna be about all the action I’m gonna get this Valentine’s Day.
2. So THAT’S where that went!
3. If you’re gonna do that, doc, you should at least buy me dinner and a movie first.
4. Why in the world would you choose to do this all day?
5. I gotta say, I’m disappointed, doc. You’ve really let yourself go.
6. I dunno. Everytime I see his truck in the driveway, I just get nauseated.
7. This is a great day for me to have my hysterectomy. It’s National Spay and Neuter Day!
8. We’re going to have a hysterectomy party. So don’t be surprised if you get in there and find balloons and confetti.
9. Just don’t tell my husband you found that. It’s not his wedding ring.
10. So sorry! I forgot to shave!
11. Yeah, I shouldn’t have gotten that tattoo.
12. I’m getting these breast implants out. I don’t wanna go to the old folks home and be the Boobs In Room 8.
13. I wish I had gotten this breast reduction years ago.
14. Can you give me a pill so I want to have sex with my husband?
15. When I get a hot flash I just go into the cooler where I work until it passes.
16. I quit smoking because my doctor gave me this mental image of a scrawny old lady pushing an oxygen cart.
17. Sorry I stink, doc. I couldn’t clean up after work.
18. When I’m 30 weeks pregnant, can I still drive the fork lift?
19. I need a note to get off work. They won’t let me sit down at the cash register.
20. Yep, I’m gettin’ my surgery! Doc here is gonna jack me up real good.
21. Isn’t there some other way we can smear my pap?
22. I can’t get an IUD. I can’t stand the idea of something stuck up in me.
23. I can’t take birth control pills. I got my last two babies that way.
24. I eat like a bird. I don’t know why I weigh over 300 pounds.
25. My husband said I had to come.
26. If I have my uterus out, where does the sperm go?
27. Do I really have to take my bottoms off?
28. Can your nurse come hold my hand?
29. Sell, dammit! Dump that stock right now!
30. I have fireballs in my eucharist.
31. My cat hoit.
32. I’ve got a rash on my monkey.
33. I broke out in whelps. (You had puppies pop out all over your skin? That MUST be painful)
34. I hate needles.
35. Can you give me some ‘Tabs for the weekend, doc? Just a few ‘Tabs?
36. My PMS is giving me road rage.
37. Do hysterectomies run in families?
38. Can you look at my foot? I think I have toenail fungus.
39. While I’m here with my daughter, can I just ask you a question about my hormones?
40. Every time I watch a McDonald’s commercial, I cry.
41. Hell no, I’m not depressed! I’m not crazy!
42. What do you mean, antidepressants treat menopause symptoms? I’m sweaty, not crazy!
43. If I find out he’s cheatin’, I’m gonna throw his dead body in a ditch with his arm stickin’ out of it.
44. He swears it’s ME that was cheating. He won’t go get tested.
45. How can I be pregnant? I only had sex once!
46. Of course we can’t give our baby to STRANGERS! She’s having an abortion!
47. My urine smells like old gym socks.
48. I believe this pregnancy occured after the aliens came got me and probed me.
49. Does having sex hurt the baby’s head?
50. I’m scared my water’s gonna break in front of my kindergarten class.
51. Why did they do my c-section? To have my baby!
52. They did a c-section because my baby’s feets was stressed. (Fetal distress, I believe)
53. Does a c-section count as surgery?
54. Can I have a water birth?
55. We didn’t bring a camera because my husband didn’t buy one. You cheap ass bastard!
56. You have to make the baby come now because my mom already bought plane tickets.
57. Please don’t let his mom in here.
58. Get this damn thing outta me!!
59. If you tie my tubes, can you set fire to them, drop them on the floor and stomp them?
60. To enhance the natural atmosphere of the birth, my husband and I will both be naked.
61. My GOD that jelly is cold!
62. We can’t have the baby born on Halloween. She’ll be a witch!
63. Can I have my nails done while I’m pregnant?
64. All I can eat is Spaghetti-O’s cold out of the can.
65. I’m throwing up my toenails.
66. Morning sickness, hell! It’s all day and all night sickness!
67. Do you have to cut through my tattoo?
68. If I breast feed, will my nipple rings leak milk? What if the baby swallows them?
69. Can I get a tattoo while I’m pregnant?
70. I don’t want that epidural thing. My friend said one move and you’re paralyzed for life.
71. We want an all natural birth. Don’t offer any pain medicine or an epidural. WHERE’S MY F*CKIN’ EPIDURAL???
72. (Said about an epidural) Oooooh, the man who invent that thing gonna be RICH!
73. Honey, you’re never touching me again. You can go find a prostitute.
74. He’s in jail; he couldn’t make it.
75. I missed my appointment because I was in jail. I didn’t do nothin’.
76. Shut up and quit talkin’. The doctor’s here.
77. Can I take the baby outside to go smoke?
78. The meth in my urine ain’t my fault. I was at my friend’s house and I found this cookie…
79. I dunno why I put that up there.
80. I slipped in my living room and fell and that’s how that squash got up in there.
81. I think my daughter’s a lesbernopian.
82. I have Barney Rubble feet.
83. My husband won’t let me have a vibrator. I think they make him insecure.
84. If I never had sex again I wouldn’t care.
85. Why does my twat smell like fish?
86. I noticed this smell and I realized I never took my last tampon out.
87. How did I catch this?
88. How can I have gonorrhea in my throat?
89. No, my daughter will NOT get the cervical cancer vaccine. She’ll think it means she can have sex.
90. My mom’s in the lobby. She doesn’t know I’m pregnant. Can you tell her?
91. Agggh, that burns! Blow on it! Blow on it!
92. Are you gonna stick that whole thing up in me?
93. I don’t wanna tell him I have herpes! He won’t like me anymore!
94. Sorry I peed on you.
95. Did I just poop?
96. I think my daughter stuck a golf ball up in there.
97. Does oral count as sex?
98. I’ve got clogs of blood, cher, clogs of blood.
99. Well, I’m never doing THAT again!
100.If men had babies, the human race would die out.