Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

Things My Patients Say To Me

Since I recently prepared a list of things that my patients’ men say to me, I guess it’s only fair that I do one for the women too. Notice that I have taken particular care not to violate anyone’s privacy – their identity cannot be guessed by what I’ve written here. Therefore, here they are. The cringeworthy, the funny, the not-so funny, and the sad, all rolled into one big list.

1. This is gonna be about all the action I’m gonna get this Valentine’s Day.

2. So THAT’S where that went!

3. If you’re gonna do that, doc, you should at least buy me dinner and a movie first.

4. Why in the world would you choose to do this all day?

5. I gotta say, I’m disappointed, doc. You’ve really let yourself go.

6. I dunno. Everytime I see his truck in the driveway, I just get nauseated.

7. This is a great day for me to have my hysterectomy. It’s National Spay and Neuter Day!

8. We’re going to have a hysterectomy party. So don’t be surprised if you get in there and find balloons and confetti.

9. Just don’t tell my husband you found that. It’s not his wedding ring.

10. So sorry! I forgot to shave!

11. Yeah, I shouldn’t have gotten that tattoo.

12. I’m getting these breast implants out. I don’t wanna go to the old folks home and be the Boobs In Room 8.

13. I wish I had gotten this breast reduction years ago.

14. Can you give me a pill so I want to have sex with my husband?

15. When I get a hot flash I just go into the cooler where I work until it passes.

16. I quit smoking because my doctor gave me this mental image of a scrawny old lady pushing an oxygen cart.

17. Sorry I stink, doc. I couldn’t clean up after work.

18. When I’m 30 weeks pregnant, can I still drive the fork lift?

19. I need a note to get off work. They won’t let me sit down at the cash register.

20. Yep, I’m gettin’ my surgery! Doc here is gonna jack me up real good.

21. Isn’t there some other way we can smear my pap?

22. I can’t get an IUD. I can’t stand the idea of something stuck up in me.

23. I can’t take birth control pills. I got my last two babies that way.

24. I eat like a bird. I don’t know why I weigh over 300 pounds.

25. My husband said I had to come.

26. If I have my uterus out, where does the sperm go?

27. Do I really have to take my bottoms off?

28. Can your nurse come hold my hand?

29. Sell, dammit! Dump that stock right now!

30. I have fireballs in my eucharist.

31. My cat hoit.

32. I’ve got a rash on my monkey.

33. I broke out in whelps. (You had puppies pop out all over your skin? That MUST be painful)

34. I hate needles.

35. Can you give me some ‘Tabs for the weekend, doc? Just a few ‘Tabs?

36. My PMS is giving me road rage.

37. Do hysterectomies run in families?

38. Can you look at my foot? I think I have toenail fungus.

39. While I’m here with my daughter, can I just ask you a question about my hormones?

40. Every time I watch a McDonald’s commercial, I cry.

41. Hell no, I’m not depressed! I’m not crazy!

42. What do you mean, antidepressants treat menopause symptoms? I’m sweaty, not crazy!

43. If I find out he’s cheatin’, I’m gonna throw his dead body in a ditch with his arm stickin’ out of it.

44. He swears it’s ME that was cheating. He won’t go get tested.

45. How can I be pregnant? I only had sex once!

46. Of course we can’t give our baby to STRANGERS! She’s having an abortion!

47. My urine smells like old gym socks.

48. I believe this pregnancy occured after the aliens came got me and probed me.

49. Does having sex hurt the baby’s head?

50. I’m scared my water’s gonna break in front of my kindergarten class.

51. Why did they do my c-section? To have my baby!

52. They did a c-section because my baby’s feets was stressed. (Fetal distress, I believe)

53. Does a c-section count as surgery?

54. Can I have a water birth?

55. We didn’t bring a camera because my husband didn’t buy one. You cheap ass bastard!

56. You have to make the baby come now because my mom already bought plane tickets.

57. Please don’t let his mom in here.

58. Get this damn thing outta me!!

59. If you tie my tubes, can you set fire to them, drop them on the floor and stomp them?

60. To enhance the natural atmosphere of the birth, my husband and I will both be naked.

61. My GOD that jelly is cold!

62. We can’t have the baby born on Halloween. She’ll be a witch!

63. Can I have my nails done while I’m pregnant?

64. All I can eat is Spaghetti-O’s cold out of the can.

65. I’m throwing up my toenails.

66. Morning sickness, hell! It’s all day and all night sickness!

67. Do you have to cut through my tattoo?

68. If I breast feed, will my nipple rings leak milk? What if the baby swallows them?

69. Can I get a tattoo while I’m pregnant?

70. I don’t want that epidural thing. My friend said one move and you’re paralyzed for life.

71. We want an all natural birth. Don’t offer any pain medicine or an epidural. WHERE’S MY F*CKIN’ EPIDURAL???

72. (Said about an epidural) Oooooh, the man who invent that thing gonna be RICH!

73. Honey, you’re never touching me again. You can go find a prostitute.

74. He’s in jail; he couldn’t make it.

75. I missed my appointment because I was in jail. I didn’t do nothin’.

76. Shut up and quit talkin’. The doctor’s here.

77. Can I take the baby outside to go smoke?

78. The meth in my urine ain’t my fault. I was at my friend’s house and I found this cookie…

79. I dunno why I put that up there.

80. I slipped in my living room and fell and that’s how that squash got up in there.

81. I think my daughter’s a lesbernopian.

82. I have Barney Rubble feet.

83. My husband won’t let me have a vibrator. I think they make him insecure.

84. If I never had sex again I wouldn’t care.

85. Why does my twat smell like fish?

86. I noticed this smell and I realized I never took my last tampon out.

87. How did I catch this?

88. How can I have gonorrhea in my throat?

89. No, my daughter will NOT get the cervical cancer vaccine. She’ll think it means she can have sex.

90. My mom’s in the lobby. She doesn’t know I’m pregnant. Can you tell her?

91. Agggh, that burns! Blow on it! Blow on it!

92. Are you gonna stick that whole thing up in me?

93. I don’t wanna tell him I have herpes! He won’t like me anymore!

94. Sorry I peed on you.

95. Did I just poop?

96. I think my daughter stuck a golf ball up in there.

97. Does oral count as sex?

98. I’ve got clogs of blood, cher, clogs of blood.

99. Well, I’m never doing THAT again!

100.If men had babies, the human race would die out.

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8 thoughts on “Things My Patients Say To Me

  1. “Isn’t there some other way we can smear my pap?” A question for the ages, Stork.

    I LOVE this!

    • Thanks so much! Yeah, that’s one thing that modern science has failed to improve upon. I have racked my brains on how to build a better, more comfortable speculum, but it is unlikely to happen unless we do, in fact, find another way to smear our pap.

      • My great fear is that something or other (perhaps just the uncomfortable-ness of it all) will trigger an attack of inappropriate laughter while I’m in the stirrups and the speculum will shoot out and hit the doctor square in the forehead. Has this ever happened to you, by any chance?

      • I have, in fact, had a speculum shoot out at me a time or two. I was always able to dodge my head. I have become very adept at dodging things!

  2. First of all, i apologize for asking this question here, but I feeling rather desperate and unsure where to turn. i stumbled upon your blog while looking for advice on how to deal with ny current situation. I have been married for 4 years and we have been ttc for the past 2+ years. I have a history of child sexual abuse and i am having a lot if trouble dealing with my current situation. So much of the fertility treatment leaves me feeling vanurable and overall freaked out. I have panic attacks over appointments and I’m feeling like a total freak about the whole thing. It doesn’t help that I work in the medical field as well (i am an account manager for a medical device company). My blood pressure shoots through the roof and I literally feel the whole fight or flight reaction and have to keep reminding myself over and over that I’m there for the health of my child and there is nothing that I would ever deliberately do to harm that. I just feel like such a freak and wonder what my doctor thinks about me. Would it be better if I just told her why I’m so nervous and upset about all of this or should I carry on the way I am now? Would you rather know, or not know this about a patient you are caring for?

    • I would ABSOLUTELY want to know! Sexual abuse can cause a whole host of emotional and physical problems, and if we know, we have been trained in approaches for dealing with the issues that come up in gynecology. Your doc would be THRILLED if you shared that – they probably have strong suspicions already that you have been a victim of abuse. For example, in the treatment room, we can have a second person of your choosing to be in the room with you for support, and we give you reassurance that you are in control of your treatment and that we can stop the exam at any time that you want if you are feeling too panicky.

  3. Pingback: One Thousand Suckers Born Every Day | Rants from the Crib

  4. tdeamicis on said:

    Not sure about 54 and 89…. 8/
    But the rest were hilarious! 😀

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