Things Your Doctor Really Doesn’t Want To Hear
1. It’s been 17 years since I seen a doctor.
2. I brought you some articles to read from the internet.
3. I have a list.
4. Sorry about all the blood.
5. Isn’t there just a pill for that?
6. Why do I gotta pay my copay up front? Don’t ya trust me? (No)
7. I just got back from Liberia.
8. What do you mean, herpes? I’m married!
9. I think I lost something in there.
10. I’ve already seen every doctor in town.
11. It’s all a conspiracy by the medico-political establishment.
12. Hell, no, I don’t vaccinate my kids! They might get sick from the shots and y’all are just trying to make money off us.
13. No, I can’t pay my bill. I just bought a new truck!
14. It smells like road kill down there!
15. Yes, I do feel like killing someone! Like, today!
16. Why did I have to wait 3 hours? I was only an hour late!
17. I hate doctors.
18. I may as well just tell you, I’m not gonna take these.
19. Sorry, I’ve had diarrhea and been throwing up all day. (Why the hell did you come in for your yearly physical?)
20. I think my ex followed me into the waiting room. I’ve got a restraining order, but he looks really pissed.
21. I had to bring my 3 year old.
22. Can you test me for everything? (What? No!)
23. We’re going to need like 4 people to get my mom up on the table.
24. She’s pretty calm in the group home, but if you piss her off she bites.
25. The aliens have been texting through Morse code even through my safety hat.
26. My other girl I got knocked up is right up the hall. Can you make sure they don’t see each other?
27. I don’t believe in deodorant.
28. I think I’ve got them crabs.
29. That drug is dangerous. I know because I googled it.
30. Can you put something in my chart so I can sue my other doctor?
31. Can you get the guard to just take these shackles off, doc?
32. Hey, what’s that?! What are you doing?!
33. I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for my friend.
34. I pass out when I get pap smears.
35. Can you tell if my daughter is a virgin?
36. Can you please tell my husband I haven’t been cheating on him?
37. Can you take me off work? I can’t stand up at the cashier’s desk, seeing as I’m 7 weeks pregnant.
38. (At 3AM) Naw, I’ve had this about 3 weeks now.
39. I want all natural bioidentical hormones.
40. I won’t put any chemicals in my body. (Doofus! Your body is MADE out of chemicals.)
41. I know I’m allergic, but today I really had to have some catfish. Can you get the swelling to go down before my job interview?
42. I don’t have a phone, but I’ll give you the number for the guys down the street.
43. My pimp said you’d get me fixed up.
44. Hey, doc. Can I just get a few lortabs for the weekend?
45. I’m allergic to the stuff you just put on me. I forgot to tell you.
46. I’m pretty sure I’ve got poison ivy down there.
47. While I’m here, can you look at my toenails?
48. I know I don’t have an appointment, but I just went ahead and came.
49. No, I don’t have my insurance card. Why would I need it?
50. No, I don’t really drink. Just a case or so on the weekends.