Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

Archive for the tag “oasis”

Daily Prompt: Oasis

Today’s daily prompt asks that we write about an oasis where we go to get away from it all when everything else is too much.  I will say that there is no such place.  I live a life where I go from work to my daughter’s school to home to work to my daughter’s school to home, with no stops for fun on the side.  My husband and I spend some time together in the evenings watching shows on Netflix, but even that is scarcely an oasis.

If I have to describe a place I go to get away from it all, I must say that I go to sleep.  Whenever I feel myself beginning to feel discouraged and overwhelmed (which is most of the time), if I don’t have any other pressing obligations, such as daughter’s homework or some task my husband has given me, I head straight for the bed and crawl under the covers.  If I can manage to fall asleep so deeply that I have forgotten who and where I am, then the sleep has done its job.  The down side is that I must wake up.   When I wake up, my job and my life come crashing down on me so solidly that it was hardly worth going to sleep.  I remember the job that I hate, the fact that I have no friends, the crushing routine from work to school to home, and I just want to cry.  I am too tired to cry.  For some reason, the tears never come.  I just get up and soldier on and march from place to place to place.  If I am lucky, it is evening and it will be time for me to go back to sleep soon.

Last night I didn’t even have the sanctity of my sleep oasis because I slept so poorly.  I am on a new diet, and I felt queasy and could not get comfortable.  My husband was also sleeping poorly, so he was tossing and turning in the bed and at one point resorted to playing a CD that is supposed to be self-hypnosis to aid an insomniac to go back to sleep.  Self-hypnosis my ass.  The only thing that CD does for me is annoy me so badly it keeps me awake.  I almost moved to the other bedroom, but I was too tired to get up.  Also, my phone rang about eleven o’clock last night regarding a patient I had in the hospital, which I had to answer, and which woke me right back up.  And that wasn’t even one of my call nights.

So my “oasis” is shaky at best.  It is a house of cards that can tumble down on me on any given night.  And if I’m on call, there’s a very real chance that my sleep will be interrupted by phone calls all night long.  I may even have to get up and go do a delivery or a surgery.  Those nights I just write off as awful, and again I want to cry because of the reality of my existence and my stressful job.  But I don’t cry.  I just get up and go in and do my work.  And then I am exhausted the next day, but I have to get up and go into work anyway. 

So “oasis” is a joke.  An oasis is for other people.  Other people have friends they can go see, or they can have a drink (I don’t drink any more), or they can go shopping (I’m not allowed to shop any more) or they can go into a nearby town and see a show or go out to eat (I am tethered to work and family and my call schedule, and I’m on a diet, so going out is not really all that much fun any more).  And I can go out alone or I can go out with the husband and daughter.  That’s pretty much it.  We do that occasionally, and when we do, that is fun.  But most shows or clubs I want to attend either seem to happen during the day when I must work, or on a call day when I cannot get any farther away from the hospital than thirty minutes.  Everything interesting happens in a town that is at least forty-five minutes away.

My town where I live is devoid of entertainment.  Everyone is a cookie cutter of everyone else, and they are not me.  I don’t have any friends because people either find me strange or I find them judgmental and boring.  There are people I am friendly with, but that is not the same as being friends.  I love jewelry making but the nearest group is an hour away.  I love photography but there is no group here.  I would like to exercise by taking yoga or some other classes, but all the classes are during the day for the Ladies Who Lunch and I have a job.

If it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I do.  I know that I have many things that others would love to have; a stable job, a loving family, a home that I can pay for.  But I am lonely and busy, and we all know that our problems seem more magnified to us than they would to others.  I do not like my job; it is like a living hell that I must get up and face each day, for reasons I cannot go into here.  I am seriously considering changing my job, and that may be the thing that truly brings me out of my funk.  I can only hope that that will be so.  Until then, I am a dead woman walking, and the oasis is just out of reach.


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