Rants from the Crib

An Ob/Gyn gone mad

Archive for the tag “pregnancy”

The Truth About The Myths Of Pregnancy

There is so much that your doctors don’t tell you about being pregnant, because they consider the information trivial and they just don’t have time in a busy clinic to go over little, normal stuff with you.

There are many things that your friends, family, and complete strangers WILL tell you.  A great deal of it is wrong.

The national hobby is scaring pregnant women.  As soon as someone finds out you are pregnant, they will immediately start telling you their worst horror stories, most of which are greatly exaggerated.  I find this strange, because if they found out you had, say, diabetes, they wouldn’t tell you horrible stories about having toes cut off, heart attacks, blindness, and arterial bypass grafts.  So why is it OK to say these things to pregnant women?  Actually it’s NOT.  But everyone will do it anyway.

People, usually other women, will tell you the stupidest, most ridiculous folktales about pregnancy.  You may, say, be reaching up to pull a book off a higher shelf, and a random person may walk up to you and say, “If you reach above your head, your baby will strangle.”  WTF?  That makes no sense at all.  And yet, I have gotten calls (usually at 3 AM) from sobbing mothers who have been convinced that getting soup out of the pantry has killed their baby.

If it sounds ridiculous, or impossible, it probably is.  Check with your doc if you’re concerned.  Just not at 3 AM, please.

They will also tell you that if you get in a swimming pool, the baby will drown.  Really?  Because that kid’s floating in a bag full of fluid right now.

They will tell you that if you eat pears, the baby will be affected somehow.

They will tell you if you have heartburn, the baby will have lots of hair.  How the hell can those be related?  Hint: they aren’t.

They will tell you that the heart rate can tell you the sex of the baby.  Bullshit.  The heart rate changes throughout the pregnancy.  Does that mean the sex of the baby keeps changing?  Uh, no.

They will tell you that whether you are “carrying the baby high or low ” determines the sex of the baby.  Not.

They will tell you about their horrible 72 hour labors.  They will tell you about how they felt everything in their C-section.  They will tell you about how they had surprise twins at the last minute.  They will tell you about a “dry birth”, whatever the hell that is.  Ignore these people.  They are not helping.  They are just trying to show off and make themselves look more important and special, that they survived these “horrific “situations.

Strangers will touch your belly.  Strangers will tell you they know the sex of the baby.  Strangers will tell you that you don’t look pregnant enough, that there is something wrong with the baby.  They will tell you that you look too big, and that you will have the baby early, or that there are secret twins in there.

News flash.  These people did not go to medical school.  They did not do a 4 year specialized residency.  They mostly just go to Walmart.  Apparently they bought their medical license there.

Do yourself a favor.  Do me a favor.  Ignore this crap.  Tell them to leave you alone.  They are NOT trying to help.  They are trying to scare you.  And it’s working.  Stop the madness.  Tell the back seat drivers to go bother someone else.  Or better yet, bother no one at all.

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Sex Stuff Teens Should Know

I realized that my OB/Gyn self should make a post for the teens, since you are new at this stuff.

1. Yes, oral sex counts as sex.

2.  By law, your doctor can’t give any information about you to your parents, or anyone else, unless you sign a form saying it’s OK.

3. No, I will not be the one who tells your mom you’re pregnant.  You gotta tell her.  I don’t want to be around any flying bullets.

4.  Yes, you can get pregnant the first time.  And the second, and the third…

5. You can catch diseases having sex that can kill you.

6. There are some sexually transmitted diseases that can keep you from ever becoming a mom if they don’t get treated.

7. There is a safe vaccine that prevents cervical cancer and genital warts.  It’s almost 100% effective.  You can get it between ages 9-26.  Ask for it.  Ignore people who try to talk you out of it.

8. There is nothing shameful about giving up your baby for adoption.  If you are strong and smart enough to do it, you’re a hero.

9. Some states still require that we notify your parents if you are seeking an abortion.  Google your state laws. 

10. I don’t do abortions, but I won’t hate you, judge you, or stop seeing you if you have one.

11. Ask questions when you are talking to us.  We won’t think you’re silly, or slutty, or dumb.  We don’t judge and we will tell you the truth.

12.  If your friend told you something about sex that sounds crazy, it’s probably crazy.  Ask one of us.

13. Guys are dogs.  Especially guys your age.  They will screw anything that holds still long enough.  They will say anything to get laid.  Just sayin’.

14. If you are under 18, and the guy is over 18, they can be arrested for rape.  Even if you are OK with this, if your parents find out and call the cops, your guy will be arrested and will be a registered sex offender for life.  That is a life wrecker.

15. Do not lie about your age.

16. If you are in high school, any college-aged guy who wants to sleep with you is immature and shallow and will screw you over and dump you.  And if the guy is over thirty and he tries it, he is a FREAK.  And a pedophile.  He is not in love with you.  He might want to kill you and bury you in his basement.

17. I am totally not kidding about #16.

18. If it sounds like a bad idea, it probably is.

19. Parents are a pain in the butt sometimes, but they actually know about more than you think.  If they warn you about something, they are not trying to ruin your fun, they are trying to save your ass from horrible shit.  Same from us doctors.

20. 1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.  That’s a LOT.  Be smart.  Don’t be one of them.  Watch your drug and alcohol intake around guys, especially ones you don’t know.

21. Never accept a drink from someone you don’t know, and never walk away from a drink without one of your friends watching it.  Date rape drugs are out there.  A lot.

22. Travel in packs.  Predators are more likely to go after you if you are alone.

23. IF YOU ARE RAPED, go to the hospital ER immediately.  Do not shower, bathe, wash your hands, clean your nails, douche, or change your clothes.  There is evidence against your attacker in all of those.

24. You can be raped by an acquaintance, a date, a friend, a boyfriend, or even a husband.  If you said no, and they made you, it’s rape.  The law supports you 100% on that.

25. Use condoms.  Carry them with you.  I know, blah blah blah, they’re no fun, guys don’t like them, whatever.  USE THEM.  They will protect you from getting pregnant, and from some really nasty diseases, some of which we can’t treat. 

26. A guy who brings his own condoms is a SMART, COOL, and CONFIDENT guy.

27. If we tell you not to have sex while we’re treating you, don’t.  You’ll catch whatever it is back again.  Make sure the guy got treated for the infection too.  Don’t have sex with him if he didn’t.

28. If you feel like you don’t trust the guy, you probably shouldn’t.

29. Don’t jump into having sex.  Once you start, it is very hard to stop.  Make sure your partner is someone you care for and trust if you’ve gotta do it.  If you start out having sex with someone you don’t care about, it will mess up your love life forever. 

30. Anyone who threatens to dump you if you won’t have sex sucks.  Dump them.

31. Sexting will screw up your life.  Once you send a naked picture out, it belongs to the whole world.  EVERYONE can find it and see it.  Like your parents.  Your minister.  Every guy in your school.  Once you put that pic out there, you can NEVER get it back.

32. I am totally also serious about #31.

33. Never EVER tell a stranger online your real life name or address, and no pictures.  His avatar may look like a hot high school guy, but if you don’t know him, he really might be some forty year-old guy with yellow teeth, or a baby raper who wants to tie you up in some building.

34. Never use sex to pay for drugs.  If you start that, you will totally be screwed, in more ways than one.  When you were a kid, did you really wanna grow up to be a crack ho?

35. Ask your doc about what to expect if this is your first visit.  Ask to see things and find out what we will do and why.

36. Using birth control does NOT mean you are a slut.  It means you’re smart as hell.

37. There are a million ways to get birth control that are free or very cheap.  Ask your doc; we really don’t want you to be pregnant at a young age and we will do ANYTHING to make sure you can afford and get birth control.

38. If you have unprotected sex and are worried about getting pregnant, call us within 72 hours of having sex and we can get you a pill to help keep you from getting pregnant.  And no, the medicine does NOT cause abortions.

39. Don’t be scared of your OB/Gyn.  We can help you with LOTS of stuff.  We’re not looking to bust you.  Believe it or not, we’re mostly pretty cool people.   You can tell because it doesn’t freak us out to talk about random sex stuff. We get paid to talk about it.

40. Telling ANYONE anything about you in our office is against the law unless you sign a form giving us permission.  They can fine us up to 10,000 dollars if we do tell anyone.  We really don’t want to throw away that kind of money.

41. Some sexually transmitted diseases must be reported to the health department, so they can find and treat your partners.  They do NOT call your parents.

42. Having sex with lots of people is a terrible idea.  Your chances of catching diseases, getting pregnant, and other bad things go way up.  You are considered high risk if you do.

43. If you are wondering if you might be gay, or you feel confused about that, we are happy to answer ANY questions you  have.  3% of the population is gay.  We take care of GLBT people all the time.  We don’t judge.  And we won’t try to “talk you out of it.”. If one of us does try to, find a new doctor.

44. If anyone, even a doctor or a coach or a teacher or someone you babysit for, says things about sex that make you nervous, or asks questions about your sex life that are creepy and none of their business, stay away from them.  If they continue, tell a parent or some other adult you trust.

45. If someone in your life is hurting you, abusing you, or having sex with you against your will, your OB/Gyn office has phone numbers on little pieces of paper that you can hide in your clothes.  Call the number, and someone will come pick you up right away, no questions asked, and put you in a secret safe place.

46. If you are pregnant and hiding it from everyone, DON’T.  If you have the baby in secret, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT KILLING OR HIDING THE BABY.  Almost every state has a law that you can drop a baby off at a hospital without being arrested.  Don’t be a baby killer.  They’ll catch you, arrest you, put your picture in the paper, and put you in jail.

47. If you are pregnant, the earlier you find out and make plans, the better.  Don’t wait until it’s too late to make any decisions.

48.  If you plan to stay pregnant, find an OB doctor right away.  Most pregnant teens can get health care.  We will make sure you and the baby are growing safely.  You or the baby are more likely to die or get sick if you aren’t seeing a doctor.

49. Be honest with your doctor about drugs you are taking, even if they are illegal.  We are not your parents.  We are not the cops.  We’re not going to bust you.  We just want to help you get off the drugs if you need help.  If you are pregnant, there are special things to do for you and the baby that will help keep you from dying because of the drugs.

50. We are here for you to use, for information, help, birth control, advice, and laws dealing with the things you are dealing with.  Use us!  We are like Google for female stuff. 

51. Ask your friends about an OB/Gyn that they like.  Your mom should almost certainly be seeing one of us.  Chances are, she would rather take you than let something bad happen to you.

The Cynic’s Stages Of Pregnancy

1)  Thinking About Having a Baby:  has no effect on whether or not you will actually have one.  The universe will pregger you pretty much as it chooses,  (or not) any time that it chooses.  A general rule of thumb:  your chances of conceiving a pregnancy are inversely proportionate to how much you want to be pregnant.

2)  Conceiving a Pregnancy:  Did you really think I was going to give you instructions here?  I will say, standing on your head may be helpful.  If you need to have conception explained to you, call your mom.  And then enjoy watching her freak out.  Especially if you are older than forty.  The internet is jam full of very interesting videos (OK, porn) which will offer you limitless ideas for different approaches to conception.  Or gonorrhea.  You’re more likely to get gonorrhea.  Fact:  pregnancy IS a sexually transmitted disease.

3)  Finding Out:  First, you have to deal with the baffling intricacies of the pregnancy test.  Most people choose to pee on an average of at least 6 sticks before they accept the verdict.  The home pregnancy tests available over the counter are exactly as accurate as the much more expensive Doctor Ones.  I’d do them at home unless you are having problems.  You may get the dreaded “kinda pregnant” result with the little faint pale fuzzy line.  Just repeat in a week.  If still fuzzy, call your doc to get sorted out.

4)  The Response:  divides more or less into three camps, although they may intersect somewhat.  You will either be Team Ohhhhh Noooo, or you will be Team Yessssss, with Team Ambivalent hovering in between.

5) Telling Everyone:  may be as follows: The OMG So Excited Twitter FB LinkedIn Email Text Phone Call Billboard strategy, also affectionately known as The Drama Approach, b) telling your partner, your family and your close friends, also known as the Moderate Approach or c) telling only your partner until you hit 12 weeks and your risk of miscarriage is pretty much gone – which is a very smart approach.  Up to 1 in 3 early pregnancies may end in miscarriage – if something happens, do you really want to face the painful questions and watch your friends fumble to think of the right thing to say?  This is the Cautious Approach, and as an OB, I must say I recommend it.
6) Early Pregnancy: you will look like you are getting fat and letting yourself go instead of looking pregnant. It is possible that you may barf up your toenails your entire first trimester. Maybe longer. Your boobs will hurt really bad and you will want to assassinate your partner for merely dragging the bed sheet across your chest. Your refrigerator and your trash will smell so bad you will vomit, because your sense of smell becomes so acute.
7) Your OB: by now, you’ve probably found one. Your first visit will be interminable, you will be asked all sorts of embarrassing questions, and they will remove approximately half of your blood from your body for labs. The ultrasound is really cool, though.
8) Second trimester: you will actually start to show, and get a baby bump, thank goodness. Your raging hormones will chill out a little. You may actually feel almost normal. I will warn you, the “glow of pregnancy” is actually grease.
This is when strangers will start to touch your belly and ask questions. Because the national pastime is scaring pregnant women to death, they will give you wrong and scary advice, tell you horrible stories, and you will call your OB in tears multiple times. One major plus: you get to feel the baby moving. Sometimes your partner can’t feel it yet and gets really jealous. Another bonus: you get to find out the sex of the baby. Or you may argue vigorously with your partner about whether you are going to find out the sex of the baby.
9) Planning For Delivery: you will be terrified of the impending delivery until you are so uncomfortable near your due date that you no longer care – you just want that baby OUT. If you are gung-ho, you will most likely have read at least 8 books about pregnancy and delivery, all of which made you more terrified than you already were. If you are really intrepid, you may have created a birth plan, or you may have gotten a doula or a midwife to attend your delivery. This is all OK with us, but OBs have a cynical expression:  “Birth plan + doula = C-section.”. This is not because we want you to have one; we want you to be happy with your birth, but it seems that the universe always conspires to make those who really want a natural birth need a C-section, which sucks for us and for you.
10) Delivery: I won’t delve into this much because everyone’s experience is different. This is a good time to give yourself a pep talk about control. As in, you don’t have any. We happily try to accommodate you, but what we need to do in labor is completely dictated by the baby’s well-being and by what your body does, and you can’t control either. This will help you to accept that you will have no control over most of your parenting either, because kids are little people and they often have other ideas about how any given day may proceed. Also, during your delivery, your partner may or may not pass out.
11) Bringing baby home: a properly installed car seat is a must. Then there is that moment where you pull up your driveway with a whole new person and you look at each other and think, ” Holy crap, what did we just do?!? “. And so it begins…

Things My Patients Say To Me

Since I recently prepared a list of things that my patients’ men say to me, I guess it’s only fair that I do one for the women too. Notice that I have taken particular care not to violate anyone’s privacy – their identity cannot be guessed by what I’ve written here. Therefore, here they are. The cringeworthy, the funny, the not-so funny, and the sad, all rolled into one big list.

1. This is gonna be about all the action I’m gonna get this Valentine’s Day.

2. So THAT’S where that went!

3. If you’re gonna do that, doc, you should at least buy me dinner and a movie first.

4. Why in the world would you choose to do this all day?

5. I gotta say, I’m disappointed, doc. You’ve really let yourself go.

6. I dunno. Everytime I see his truck in the driveway, I just get nauseated.

7. This is a great day for me to have my hysterectomy. It’s National Spay and Neuter Day!

8. We’re going to have a hysterectomy party. So don’t be surprised if you get in there and find balloons and confetti.

9. Just don’t tell my husband you found that. It’s not his wedding ring.

10. So sorry! I forgot to shave!

11. Yeah, I shouldn’t have gotten that tattoo.

12. I’m getting these breast implants out. I don’t wanna go to the old folks home and be the Boobs In Room 8.

13. I wish I had gotten this breast reduction years ago.

14. Can you give me a pill so I want to have sex with my husband?

15. When I get a hot flash I just go into the cooler where I work until it passes.

16. I quit smoking because my doctor gave me this mental image of a scrawny old lady pushing an oxygen cart.

17. Sorry I stink, doc. I couldn’t clean up after work.

18. When I’m 30 weeks pregnant, can I still drive the fork lift?

19. I need a note to get off work. They won’t let me sit down at the cash register.

20. Yep, I’m gettin’ my surgery! Doc here is gonna jack me up real good.

21. Isn’t there some other way we can smear my pap?

22. I can’t get an IUD. I can’t stand the idea of something stuck up in me.

23. I can’t take birth control pills. I got my last two babies that way.

24. I eat like a bird. I don’t know why I weigh over 300 pounds.

25. My husband said I had to come.

26. If I have my uterus out, where does the sperm go?

27. Do I really have to take my bottoms off?

28. Can your nurse come hold my hand?

29. Sell, dammit! Dump that stock right now!

30. I have fireballs in my eucharist.

31. My cat hoit.

32. I’ve got a rash on my monkey.

33. I broke out in whelps. (You had puppies pop out all over your skin? That MUST be painful)

34. I hate needles.

35. Can you give me some ‘Tabs for the weekend, doc? Just a few ‘Tabs?

36. My PMS is giving me road rage.

37. Do hysterectomies run in families?

38. Can you look at my foot? I think I have toenail fungus.

39. While I’m here with my daughter, can I just ask you a question about my hormones?

40. Every time I watch a McDonald’s commercial, I cry.

41. Hell no, I’m not depressed! I’m not crazy!

42. What do you mean, antidepressants treat menopause symptoms? I’m sweaty, not crazy!

43. If I find out he’s cheatin’, I’m gonna throw his dead body in a ditch with his arm stickin’ out of it.

44. He swears it’s ME that was cheating. He won’t go get tested.

45. How can I be pregnant? I only had sex once!

46. Of course we can’t give our baby to STRANGERS! She’s having an abortion!

47. My urine smells like old gym socks.

48. I believe this pregnancy occured after the aliens came got me and probed me.

49. Does having sex hurt the baby’s head?

50. I’m scared my water’s gonna break in front of my kindergarten class.

51. Why did they do my c-section? To have my baby!

52. They did a c-section because my baby’s feets was stressed. (Fetal distress, I believe)

53. Does a c-section count as surgery?

54. Can I have a water birth?

55. We didn’t bring a camera because my husband didn’t buy one. You cheap ass bastard!

56. You have to make the baby come now because my mom already bought plane tickets.

57. Please don’t let his mom in here.

58. Get this damn thing outta me!!

59. If you tie my tubes, can you set fire to them, drop them on the floor and stomp them?

60. To enhance the natural atmosphere of the birth, my husband and I will both be naked.

61. My GOD that jelly is cold!

62. We can’t have the baby born on Halloween. She’ll be a witch!

63. Can I have my nails done while I’m pregnant?

64. All I can eat is Spaghetti-O’s cold out of the can.

65. I’m throwing up my toenails.

66. Morning sickness, hell! It’s all day and all night sickness!

67. Do you have to cut through my tattoo?

68. If I breast feed, will my nipple rings leak milk? What if the baby swallows them?

69. Can I get a tattoo while I’m pregnant?

70. I don’t want that epidural thing. My friend said one move and you’re paralyzed for life.

71. We want an all natural birth. Don’t offer any pain medicine or an epidural. WHERE’S MY F*CKIN’ EPIDURAL???

72. (Said about an epidural) Oooooh, the man who invent that thing gonna be RICH!

73. Honey, you’re never touching me again. You can go find a prostitute.

74. He’s in jail; he couldn’t make it.

75. I missed my appointment because I was in jail. I didn’t do nothin’.

76. Shut up and quit talkin’. The doctor’s here.

77. Can I take the baby outside to go smoke?

78. The meth in my urine ain’t my fault. I was at my friend’s house and I found this cookie…

79. I dunno why I put that up there.

80. I slipped in my living room and fell and that’s how that squash got up in there.

81. I think my daughter’s a lesbernopian.

82. I have Barney Rubble feet.

83. My husband won’t let me have a vibrator. I think they make him insecure.

84. If I never had sex again I wouldn’t care.

85. Why does my twat smell like fish?

86. I noticed this smell and I realized I never took my last tampon out.

87. How did I catch this?

88. How can I have gonorrhea in my throat?

89. No, my daughter will NOT get the cervical cancer vaccine. She’ll think it means she can have sex.

90. My mom’s in the lobby. She doesn’t know I’m pregnant. Can you tell her?

91. Agggh, that burns! Blow on it! Blow on it!

92. Are you gonna stick that whole thing up in me?

93. I don’t wanna tell him I have herpes! He won’t like me anymore!

94. Sorry I peed on you.

95. Did I just poop?

96. I think my daughter stuck a golf ball up in there.

97. Does oral count as sex?

98. I’ve got clogs of blood, cher, clogs of blood.

99. Well, I’m never doing THAT again!

100.If men had babies, the human race would die out.

Things That Men Say

Let me preface this for those who do not know my by saying that I am an OB/Gyn – a doctor that takes care of women, doing, you know, women stuff like baby birthing, hysterectomies, icky periods… yeah, that stuff. Because I care for women for a living, I get to spend a lot of time with their men, frequently under bizarre circumstances like childbirth, or a really icky pubic rash. Shhhh… I’ll tell you a secret. OB/Gyns have a saying: “All women are different, but all husbands look alike.” Their men are a constant source of amazement, embarassment, stereotypical behavior, sweetness, and hilarity, planned or not.

I made a previous post about things that patients say that amuse me. This one’s just for the guys! Here’s to you and thanks for all the laughs (and muffled sobs)!

1. When you do her hysterectomy, can you get the mean out of her too, doc?

2. Hey doc, while you’re sewin’ that up, can you throw in a couple extra stitches, just for me?

3. You mean that thing’s an extra nipple? Babe, you’re a FREAK!!!

4. Only YOU would ask the doctor for something like that, Princess.

5. I thought she’d go back to normal after the baby came out.

6. We both dug around and looked for it, doc. Just can’t figure out where the damn thing went!

7. Are you gonna stick that duck thing in ‘er?

8. I’m leavin’ the room. I don’t wanna see this.

9. Oh, my God, what’s THAT?

10. What’s that brown stripe in the middle of her belly for?

11. Hey, if you’re gonna do that to her, you oughta at least buy her dinner first!

12. I dunno, doc. She got off your scale and just started cryin’.

13. What do you mean, she got pregnant in April? I wasn’t here in April!

14. What’s THIS for?

15. Is it OK if we keep the litter box in the kitchen?

16. Don’t worry, doc. I ain’t gonna pass out. It’s just like guttin’ a deer, right?

17. If it’s a girl can you put it back?

18. If it’s a boy, you only got one dick you gotta worry about. If it’s a girl, you’ve gotta worry about ’em ALL!

19. She caught that somewhere else.

20. I AM payin’ attention, hon. You just keep pushin’!

21. I’m just gonna sit over here.

22. I feel a little…. THUNK!

23. There ain’t another un in there, is it?

24. You swear it ain’t twins?

25. Does that hurt, babe? That looks like it hurts! What do you mean, shut up??

26. OW! You’re gonna rip my fingers off!

27. What do you mean, this is all my fault? You was there too!

28. My wife is hurtin’! Fix that Goddamn epidural thing, NOW!

29. She done broke her water all over my truck upholstery!

30. What do I do? What do I do?

31. Damn, Babe! You’re big as a frickin’ HOUSE!

32. Is she gonna be OK?

33. I am NOT drunk!

34. Can’t you just grab its ears and pull?

35. Why’s his head all pointy? Is that gonna go away?

36. What do you mean, you don’t want my mom in here?

37. Some things a man just shouldn’t have to see.

38. What do you mean, she can’t just have it now?

39. Can you just spay her?

40. Damn, I can’t even look at her but she gets knocked up with another one!

41. What do you mean, we can’t have sex til the baby comes?

42. Seriously, what do you mean, we can’t have sex until the baby comes?

43. How long do we have to wait to have sex?

44. Tie her tubes? Cut ’em the hell out, set fire to ’em and STOMP ’em!

45. Semen analysis? Hell no, doc, I know it ain’t ME! Ain’t nothin’ wrong with ME!

46. How soon can you do a paternity test?

47. Where’d the red hair come from?

48. She said it was a alien probe! That’s funny Babe! Ain’t that funny?

49. I can’t wear one ‘a them things! Like taking a shower with a raincoat on!

50. It can’t just get lost up in there, can it?

51. Damn, looks like you’re stickin’ your whole HAND up in there!

52. Oh my God! I shouldn’t’a looked down there! Oh, CRAP!

53. What’s that stuff comin’ out of her now?

54. That is just so GROSS!

55. Gawd, doc! How’m I gonna compete with THAT thing?

56. She told me she couldn’t get pregnant.

57. Can you give her somethin’ to make her wanna, well, you know… ?

58. Why’s she squallin’ like that?

59. Damn, her boobs got BIG!

60. Her nipples look like dinner plates!

61. Her boobs are bigger than my kid’s HEAD!

62. That thing makes her look like she’s on a milkin’ machine! OW, Babe!

63. I can’t pick him up. I don’t know how to hold his head.

64. COOL! He blew poop out his diaper right up his back! THAT’S my boy!

65. What do you mean, I get to have the next one?

66. I swear I didn’t think that thing’d get stuck up there.

67. Oh my God! Why’s that woman next door SCREAMIN’?

68. Did you really have to go into labor right in the middle of the Iron Bowl?

69. Do some jumping jacks, Babe. We need to have that thing this year – we need the deduction.

70. Can’t tell if she’s walkin’ or rollin’.

71. Why does she still look pregnant?

72. She can’t have the baby Thursday. I can’t get off work then.

73. She cain’t have the baby on Halloween – he might be a WITCH!

74. What the hell’s a onesie?

75. If her mom don’t leave I’m gonna go nuts.

76. No, you can’t buy all new shoes if your feet spread.

77. How come you need your toenails painted? You can’t even SEE ’em!

78. Stirrups? You mean like on a horse?

79. Why’s she so grouchy when she’s on the rag?

80. Oh my God! That needle is huge!

81. Don’t worry. I’ll make her take her pills.

82. Damn, girl! Your Tweety Bird tattoo’s done turned into Big Bird!

83. Is she gonna have to take that piercing out?

84. Looks like he’s a little alien tryin’ to crawl out your belly.

85. What’s that cut for her c-section gonna look like?

86. She doesn’t want an epidural. You don’t want an epidural, hon. We want an all natural birth.

87. Just breathe, hon. You’re not breathing the way we practiced. What do you mean, shut the hell up?

88. What the hell do you want me to do??

89. Why are all the magazines in here for women?

90. She’s a MILF in training.

91. I forgot the camera.

92. This wasn’t in the birth plan.

93. You’re not the doctor we’ve been seeing.

94. How can you stand looking at this stuff all day? Why’d you decide to do this?

95. Don’t you feel weird looking at women’s crotches all day?

96. Will she still be a woman if she has a hysterectomy?

97. Will she still be mean when her periods go away?

98. You gotta do something, doc. She’s rippin’ the covers off and freezin’ my ass off every night.

99. I told her I was coming in with her to make sure she addresses this issue.

100.Thank God I’m a man. That’s all I’m gonna say.

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